The Cannibal Diet

TRIGGER WARNING: The following people might want to avoid this particular post: those with delicate constitutions, the humor-impaired, vegans who didn’t reading the title. You might find this a tad offensive. Actually, anyone with any sense of taste whatsoever might want to give it a pass. It’s that bad. If you choose to consume my unfiltered thoughts, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I was chewing my dinner the other night, attempting to avoid the gristle that accompanies much of my cooking regardless of actual cartilage content, when I had a disturbing thought:

Would cannibals think I was delicious?

Hear me out…

I am well-marbled. I would likely qualify as grade-A sirloin and, dare I say it, am very close in texture to a fatted calf chained in a pen and force fed until its liver is near to bursting.

I savor this idea for a juicy moment and then another idea pops into my overly-hydrogenated cerebellum.

“Is there such a thing as a too-fatty human? And, no, I am not talking health wise. Do cannibals have standards? Only 30% fat and no more? What does a cannibal eat when on a diet? Skinny people? Or just shorter ones?”

As a kindness, I feel I should warn you this isn’t heading in a warm and fuzzy, feel-good direction.

In other words…

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT IN THE WORLD–STOP READING THIS NOW!!

Okay, back to digesting my thoughts…

If we use the word ‘short’ to describe a human cut of meat…are we talking adults of diminutive stature or someone much younger? Because that raises a more disturbing question. A question that even I hesitate to bring up. (Unlike your gorge right about now.) I ask you, what would you call baby human tenders? Battered Tots? Children McNuggets? Small Fries?

[And if you are reading this right now it only means McDonald’s lawyers are still drafting the cease and desist order.]

At this point, I hack up a piece of something I am actually trying to chew but failing as it is indigestible. Much like this post. Examining it, I decide I’d rather not know what it was. Perhaps you feel the same.

I take another bite and ponder some more.

Do cannibals have cook books?

Now, I know what you are thinking.

What we are all thinking .

Kiri needs help.

NO! That’s not it. Or, well, that’s not all of it.

No, I suspect we are all remembering a science fiction short story by Damon Knight about aliens who come to Earth and offer humanity an opportunity to explore space. They bring peace and prosperity and start shipping humans off planet to visit the alien homeworld.

A copy of their manifesto falls into the hands of a diplomat who translates the title to read: To Serve Man. Everything is hunky dory until the diplomat further explores the book and discovers that, instead of helping people, the aliens are eating them. To Serve Man is a cookbook.

And, while I was searching for another story about aliens snacking on people…I ran across this hysterical video produced by PETA which posits the concept of humans as take-out.

While it isn’t likely to change anyone’s mind about eating meat (human or otherwise) it makes a very good argument about treating any food source ethically and responsibly. Enjoy!

Before finding this, I did not know PETA had a sense of humor…nor a budget to cover this level of video production!

Meal finished, I dispose of the gelatinous remains–bones, skin, and assorted inedible bits–into the trash. [To clarify–I had chicken. I am not Hannibal Lecter. This is a humor blog. Please keep that in mind. If you are not laughing, one of us is doing this wrong.]

Thus nourished by my food for thought, I collapse on the couch to while away the end of a day wasting it on idiotic gaming apps until bedtime.

I’m going to blame my indigestion-inducing flights of fancy on a weekend travelling and eating from drive-through restaurants where someone always asks, “Would you like fries with that?

“Small fries?” I ask. “Sure! Who can say “no” to small fries. It wouldn’t be human!”

____________________________________________________

And if anyone is wondering why there isn’t a Soylent Green reference, there you go! Happy now? Who out there knows any line besides the “Soylent Green is people!” one?

Actually, I never saw Soylent Green. I did however see Serial Mom and it is truly a dish worth digging into.

It is fun to watch the clueless husband, played by Sam Waterston, eventually come to terms with the fact that his wife, played by Kathleen Turner, has one hell of psychopathic Betty Crocker complex. He ain’t no Jack McCoy, that’s for sure!

Now, those of you who did see this movie know, there isn’t really any cannibalism involved. (There is this one scene that might put you off eating chicken ever again.) But, honestly, the movie doesn’t need cannibalism. There’s enough over-zealous death and dismemberment to keep most viewers happy.

…as long as it stays fictional.

I have flash backs to this scene whenever I eat at KFC.

24 thoughts on “The Cannibal Diet

  1. This cracked me up! I can easily relate. Since we started virtual school I have found myself in the kitchen far too often. I am not gaining from this situation – well, not anything but weight. So who is to benefit! Aliens, yes but now I will be watching everyone’s wine purchases, scrutinizing all those who choose Chianti!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been interested to see who stays with me after this post and who heads for greener—or maybe less disgusting—pastures. I’m happy to see you are one of the few, the brave, the demented. And now I wonder what secrets your brain is hiding!?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well as for any other meat I think also humans would have parts that would require different ways to cook…. some would probably be best in a stew, but there might be other parts that are more tender. I expect most humans to be a bit too old to taste well… remember when it comes to beef or chicken we prefer to them young. Males usually tastes terrible unless they are neutered… Now I feel sick

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate your insights. Though, I somewhat suspect you’ve just obliquely pointed out I am probably a tough old bird at this point. But, for raising the prospect of being a eunuch to improve your edible shelf life, I guess I deserve it.

      Like

    1. It’s good to know this post has found an audience. It is also marginally concerning that it did. You laughed at the one line I considered omitting. You should have heard the ones that didn’t make the cut.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. The upside to Covid-19 is likely that cannibals have all those options to order deliveries and have their food walk up to the door themselves. This ought to make you think twice before taking the job as a shopper!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Now I am all agog about what I wrote that required immediate deletion!! Was it prurient or just in poor taste? Maybe both?

      No worries. I never remember what I write and probably have laughed at my own jokes a little too much because I’ve forgotten they’re mine.

      Like

    1. Thanks. One hopes you don’t judge it all by The Cannibal Diet post. That would probably leave you disappointed…but I’m not sure because this is a random, eclectic sort of blog or because it is not an all-cannibal one!?

      Like

  3. As I sat in an office with a consultant, looking at MRI scans of my knee last week, I was having very similar thoughts about my own leg meat. Hmm … look at the marbling on that. It’s exactly the kind of thing I look for in a steak. Clearly I’m a good cut of meat. I went home feeling a little bit disturbed. But not so disturbed I didn’t share it on social media. I’m so pleased to know I’m not the only weirdo.

    Cheers

    MTM

    Liked by 1 person

    1. M T…someday we must really sit and compare weird scars and our weird personalities. It wouldn’t be a one-upmanship competition so much as a How-the-Hell-Did-You-Survive-That-Thing-You-Did extravaganza. See you at the next meeting of Self-Cannibalism’s-Anonymous…

      (Honestly, please come up with a better name for the club. I am fading fast here. I’m sure there’s a nice, quippy meat-based subtlety I’m overlooking.

      Like

      1. Prime cuts? High Steaks? I’m not sure those are exactly snappy. I guess it would have Meat ups. What about Bar-B-You? Hmm … it’s tricky isn’t it? Seems I’m not too inspired right now either!

        Cheers

        MTM

        Liked by 1 person

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