TRIGGER WARNING: The following people might want to avoid this particular post: those with delicate constitutions, the humor-impaired, vegans who didn’t reading the title. You might find this a tad offensive. Actually, anyone with any sense of taste whatsoever might want to give it a pass. It’s that bad. If you choose to consume my unfiltered thoughts, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I was chewing my dinner the other night, attempting to avoid the gristle that accompanies much of my cooking regardless of actual cartilage content, when I had a disturbing thought:
“Would cannibals think I was delicious?“
Hear me out…
I am well-marbled. I would likely qualify as grade-A sirloin and, dare I say it, am very close in texture to a fatted calf chained in a pen and force fed until its liver is near to bursting.
I savor this idea for a juicy moment and then another idea pops into my overly-hydrogenated cerebellum.
“Is there such a thing as a too-fatty human? And, no, I am not talking health wise. Do cannibals have standards? Only 30% fat and no more? What does a cannibal eat when on a diet? Skinny people? Or just shorter ones?”
As a kindness, I feel I should warn you this isn’t heading in a warm and fuzzy, feel-good direction.
In other words…
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT IN THE WORLD–STOP READING THIS NOW!!
Okay, back to digesting my thoughts…
If we use the word ‘short’ to describe a human cut of meat…are we talking adults of diminutive stature or someone much younger? Because that raises a more disturbing question. A question that even I hesitate to bring up. (Unlike your gorge right about now.) I ask you, what would you call baby human tenders? Battered Tots? Children McNuggets? Small Fries?
[And if you are reading this right now it only means McDonald’s lawyers are still drafting the cease and desist order.]
At this point, I hack up a piece of something I am actually trying to chew but failing as it is indigestible. Much like this post. Examining it, I decide I’d rather not know what it was. Perhaps you feel the same.
I take another bite and ponder some more.
“Do cannibals have cook books?”
Now, I know what you are thinking.
What we are all thinking .
“Kiri needs help.“
“NO! That’s not it. Or, well, that’s not all of it.“
No, I suspect we are all remembering a science fiction short story by Damon Knight about aliens who come to Earth and offer humanity an opportunity to explore space. They bring peace and prosperity and start shipping humans off planet to visit the alien homeworld.
A copy of their manifesto falls into the hands of a diplomat who translates the title to read: To Serve Man. Everything is hunky dory until the diplomat further explores the book and discovers that, instead of helping people, the aliens are eating them. To Serve Man is a cookbook.
And, while I was searching for another story about aliens snacking on people…I ran across this hysterical video produced by PETA which posits the concept of humans as take-out.
While it isn’t likely to change anyone’s mind about eating meat (human or otherwise) it makes a very good argument about treating any food source ethically and responsibly. Enjoy!
Before finding this, I did not know PETA had a sense of humor…nor a budget to cover this level of video production!
Meal finished, I dispose of the gelatinous remains–bones, skin, and assorted inedible bits–into the trash. [To clarify–I had chicken. I am not Hannibal Lecter. This is a humor blog. Please keep that in mind. If you are not laughing, one of us is doing this wrong.]
Thus nourished by my food for thought, I collapse on the couch to while away the end of a day wasting it on idiotic gaming apps until bedtime.
I’m going to blame my indigestion-inducing flights of fancy on a weekend travelling and eating from drive-through restaurants where someone always asks, “Would you like fries with that?“
“Small fries?” I ask. “Sure! Who can say “no” to small fries. It wouldn’t be human!”
And if anyone is wondering why there isn’t a Soylent Green reference, there you go! Happy now? Who out there knows any line besides the “Soylent Green is people!” one?
Actually, I never saw Soylent Green. I did however see Serial Mom and it is truly a dish worth digging into.
It is fun to watch the clueless husband, played by Sam Waterston, eventually come to terms with the fact that his wife, played by Kathleen Turner, has one hell of psychopathic Betty Crocker complex. He ain’t no Jack McCoy, that’s for sure!
Now, those of you who did see this movie know, there isn’t really any cannibalism involved. (There is this one scene that might put you off eating chicken ever again.) But, honestly, the movie doesn’t need cannibalism. There’s enough over-zealous death and dismemberment to keep most viewers happy.
…as long as it stays fictional.