Things To Do On Valentine’s Day When You Are Single…

For some, February 14th might as well be called “Sorry-You-Are-Unlovable Day.

It is the annual event loners celebrate by default when Valentine’s Day rolls around like the hemorrhoid of holidays it is.  Honestly, I’m surprised there isn’t a bleak, dark corner of the Hallmark aisle already dedicated to us.

I'd Rather Die Alone
More gems like this available at https://jezebel.com

I could be petty and jealous and secretly hate everyone in a relationship on this one particular day of the year.* But it would take energy I totally lack to lift my middle finger and wave it about.

So, instead of moping about being unlucky in love, I am coming up with my sure-fire Emergency Preparedness List of getting through the Cupid-Vomit-Thong-Up-The-Butt-Overpriced-Hormone-Drenched Extravaganza that is February 14th. Feel free to add suggestions.

THE SINGLE PERSON’S ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY VACCINATION SCHEDULE:

  1. Shower and put on the good underwear. You know the ones–breathable, big enough to cover your dignity and not low crawl up your ass when you walk. **
  2. Drink something fizzy and pink with an umbrella. Now, the only umbrellas I own are the collapsible kind that are half-broken, so one side droops down to guide the water down your collar. If this means I’m going to look like a mad woman with a Shirley Temple addiction, too bad.
  3. Buy those raspberries. I never buy fruit out of season as it is an unjustified expense. Screw that. I deserve me some fuzzy, deliciousness.***
  4. If you want flowers or candy–buy them. But I highly encourage you do it on February 15th when it all goes miraculously on sale.
  5. Massage chairs at the mall take credit cards. Ten dollars will make you forget about all your troubles–at least for a little while. Wear a mask if you are a moaner.
  6. Indulge. Read a book. Actually focus on the words and ignore that weird noise in the other room. I’m sure whatever it was can be replaced…or will heal.
  7. Heat blankets in the dryer (or stove, whatever) and then curl up with them just before you open that book. It’s totally worth the fire hazards if you lose track of the time. Trust me. I know. Some books are worth dying for.
  8. Plan an escape from dull reality with friends and keep it. It doesn’t have to be this day. Just knowing you are going out with people you like is a joy. It gives you something to look forward to outside of yourself. Speaking of self…
  9. Love the one you’re with. Take that however you want. Just don’t post any incriminating pictures on Facebook.
  10. Be kind to yourself. Take back the day. It’s not just for lovers any more.

You know that ideal world where everyone is nice and caring and thinks about what you need? (No? Me neither.) Make sure you take time be that person for yourself for this one day. Be your own valentine.

(And if anyone snickers at you when they catch you hugging yourself–punch them, hard, and tell them it was a love tap from me.)

IMG_3929
Nothing screams “You is special!” like a nice tiara.

And if you have your own recommendations for surviving this un-celebration, please leave a note below. It’s a cold, cruel world for single people on February 14th. It’s good to know we’re not alone.

Asterisk Bedazzled Footnotes:

*Why limit myself to just one day? I prefer to spread my loathing out in a nice, even layer throughout the year. Like a bitter chocolate frosting that burns upon contact.

**I may have to go shopping…I’m not sure I still own any good underwear.

***Please do not take this as an invitation to insinuate a smutty association between raspberries and men’s genitalia. I’d like to eat them again one day. What? No! Of course I mean the fruit!! What did you think I meant? It’s people like you who are ruining the internet.

————————–You Read This Far Bonus_______________________

Please check out Jezebel.com and all the less safe Anti-Valentine’s cards I didn’t choose from. You’re welcome.

Or, if you want to walk on the wicked side, I found this little number on Disturbed Stranger: I Killed Cupid

Warning, this isn’t the kind of gentle humor you are used to on my playground. This is dark-side-of-the-moon, do you [expletive deleted] your mother with that mouth? kind of dark. In fact, NEVER google Dead Cupid. It was a disturbing journey all around.

I need another bath now.

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22 thoughts on “Things To Do On Valentine’s Day When You Are Single…

  1. Well … this year in the Took household we celebrated the day each in our own unique way. I grinched around with a detox headache, alternately dozing and reading. (Carb detox = How I Love Myself). The Hubbit drove to a neighboring town and picked up a supply of hay for the cattle. A good time was had by all.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think your husband made a very intelligent choice. I would highly recommend anyone avoid me if I EVER make the decision to give up carbs. You’d be taking your life in your hands to even acknowledge my struggles. I bow my head at your strength of will to detox from a substance I have willingly acknowledged as my personal version of crack.

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  2. Well done.
    One of my favorite Valentine’s Days was getting pizza full and beer drunk with a guy friend. We had an awesome night, without any romance at all. Fond memories.
    We don’t get into VDay. I haven’t loved it since gradeschool. Those were the days – all those paper hearts and sweets.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for walking with me down my annual sad-ass salute to singledom. Even when I was married, after year four it was a struggle to remember we were supposed to do something on that day. I still have one of the only teddy bears my husband ever gave me. Still makes me smile to look at its sappy little ‘love you’ pillow in its fuzzy grip.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Please tell me you adopt a royal ‘we,’ third person persona when taking appeals! I sincerely hope so. I’d love to listen in and watch the perplexed supplicant trying to figure out whether to call you ‘Your Royal Highness’ or ‘Madame Publisher!’

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    1. Thank you! Both for the compliment and the suggestion of renaming it Friendship Day. I like that. No need to buy overpriced candy or flowers. Also, less likely to require one to wear butt-thong underwear.

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  3. In reference to point #6, I have just the book for you to read too. Not a bunch of sappy romance, just crazy stories to make you laugh and help get the monkey off your back. I guarantee it’ll make you forget all about butt-flossing thong underwear. Just check it out, “One Idiot Short of a Village” available on Amazon in paperback or Kindle.

    P.S. – I normally don’t do blog-to-blog sales calls, so feel free to slam the door in face or hide in a darkened room until I go away. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m happy to check it out…it’s the finances and lack of reading time that prevent me from getting my hands on every single book I’d like. But thanks for the recommendation. I can at least look.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This year, It was the first day of lent so I was able to make it extra miserable! It’s not so much of a thing here in the UK but my husband and I both loathe Valentine’s Day with a passion. Yes you don’t have to be single to dislike it. Or as McOther says, ‘I’ll decide when to tell you I love you. I’m not going to say it just because Hallmark tells me I have to.’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “McOther.”

      *snorts to self, chokes off laughter before replying.*

      Obviously you have this loving endearment thing down without vesting dollars in a professional poet to greet each other with romantic fervor.

      Like

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