Attention Whore Seeks Audience…

Whenever we hold up the critical mirror of consciousness to do a self-check, I sometimes wish it came with a warning sticker to the effect: “The idiot in mirror might be a larger ass than they appear.

The following post is a painful acknowledgment that I am not funny as I think I am, and maybe I should seek professional help. As painful as the following confession is to read, I promise you, it was a thousand times harder to write and admit to.

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Continue reading Attention Whore Seeks Audience…

Aunt Peg’s Layered Jello Salad…maybe

Long before such Food Network shows like Cutthroat Kitchen and Chopped introduced questionable cuisine–there were traditional homemade dishes with mystery ingredients that only got passed down in the family to the daughters who hoarded the recipes on 3 x 5 cards tucked away in a tin recipe box. Classics such as hotdog surprise or macaroni salad were hauled out for holiday parties–sometimes against the will of attending family members–and no holiday would be complete without these culinary treats at the table. I am about to share with you one such recipe.

Be warned, this one may become your very own secret surprise side dish delight!

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Continue reading Aunt Peg’s Layered Jello Salad…maybe

An Oldie But a Goodie…

I am driving back home Sunday, through a raging storm when the call comes over the radio:

Beep Beep Beep…please be aware that a tornado watch is in effect for West Michigan counties from now until 8:00pm tonight.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a tornado–I’ve been lucky not to–but the minute you know it is a possibility, you start seeing potential tornados everywhere you look. They become tornados of the mind. This is one of those imaginary journeys…

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Continue reading An Oldie But a Goodie…

Dental Damns…

We are past the first hurtle. My son has survived having his wisdom teeth extracted and now has to just get through the next five days on a restricted diet of soft foods. Currently he is having ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It may have been exhausting, but at least the hardest part is over. Now to survive the days with the benefits of top-notch pain killers. (Norco is the way to go. Sadly, only the kid is receiving them.) But, I am reaping the benefits of a narcotically stunned teenager filled to the gills with bowls of Super Scoop ice cream with a chocolate sauce chaser.

The even better news is that the two family members who have been teetering on the brink of existence in separate hospitals have now recovered enough to be discharged. Huzzah! Let everyone rejoice the homecomings!

And to anyone who was hoping the title of this piece was somehow a salacious intro to a naughty confession, my apologies. I’m sorry to disappoint your prurient desires.

PLENTY O’ GISH…

WELCOME TO THE NEWEST ONLINE DATING SITE–FOR SOLO CUPS EVERYWHERE!THERE’S NO NEED TO BE SHY ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT SOLO CUP ANY MORE.

IF YOU LIKE YOUR MEN SUAVE AND SOPHISTICATED, HAVE WE GOT THE CUP FOR YOU!

YOU’RE A MATCH!

EAT YOUR HEART OUT ALL YOU SOLO LADIES!

BARRY MANSOLO

HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO STRIKE THE RIGHT NOTE FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN!

HE’S IN YOUR STAR CHARTS, LADIES! LOOK FOR HIM UNDER THE SIGN OF CUPRICORN!

“People say you can see right through me, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts. “

“PLEASE, NO DIXIE CHICKS! I WANT A REAL GREAT GAL TO GO SOLO WITH ME!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

POLLY STYRENE NEEDS A MAN WHO WHO KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A FULL CUP!

POLLY IS PURPLE IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES!

SHE’S A REAL PARTY GIRL.

NOT INTERESTED IN DATING ‘PLASTIC’ MEN.

BUT SHE MELTS JUST RIGHT WHEN YOU HOLD HER TIGHT!

NO PHTHALATES, PLEASE!

BPA – OKAY

“COME RECYCLE WITH ME, THE BEST IS YET TO BE!”

RECYCLING SIGN: ” PET – 6″

SEEKS SAME!

LET’S GET RECYCLED TOGETHER!

#GISH ITEM #4 – DATING PROFILE FOR RED SOLO CUP!

Doing a Thing…

In case anyone wonders, I am doing a THING.

I can neither describe it nor defend it, but I’m definitely doing it because I plunked down a $25 no-refund application fee and I will spend an insane amount of money before I admit I am ill-qualified to do the THING.

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Continue reading Doing a Thing…

All-Too Autism Aware

It is April 2nd (or it was when I started writing this) and the annual Autism Awareness Day promotions fly across my social media feeds. They include some very positive and heart-warming testimonials by parents of autistic children. These are beautiful and touching reminders that it is important to say nice things in addition to the complaints that crop up in the day-to-day struggles of raising a child–any child, really–regardless of any spectrum they are on.

But it is also hard to mouth these sentiments when you are worn down to a nub of exhaustion and your nerves jangle from your beautiful child’s explosive and self-injurious behavior. Some days, I struggle to find the funny. I might need to bite the head off of several chocolate Easter Bunnies first. Please stand by.

Bunny-cide. Eating up the rage one chomp at a time.
Continue reading All-Too Autism Aware

To Max in Sarasota, Florida at AT&T

Around this time every year, I go through an annual event which involves dramatics and hysterics in equal measure–negotiating my contract for a better rate on my internet and tv services. Warning, to anyone who does not know me, this story involves cursing–and not just the witch with a cauldron kind.

There’s a lot of swearing. A f*ck-ton, if you will.

Proceed with caution.

Continue reading To Max in Sarasota, Florida at AT&T